My son called on a Thursday. He needed $6,000 for a car repair. I didn’t ask questions. I wrote the check.
Six weeks later, my daughter called. She was short on rent. Could I help with $2,400? I wrote another check.
Then my wife sat me down at the kitchen table and said five words. “We need to talk about this.”
She wasn’t angry. She was worried. We’d sent over $14,000 to our kids in the past year. Neither of them was in trouble. They had good jobs. They just kept asking. And I kept saying yes.
Because that’s what dads do. Until the day it starts hurting you more than it helps them.
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01. HOW COMMON THIS IS
I thought it was just us. It isn’t.
50%
OF PARENTS SUPPORT
ADULT KIDS
$1,474
AVERAGE MONTHLY
HELP (2025)
43%
SAY IT HURT
THEIR RETIREMENT
Half of all parents with adult children are giving them money right now. The average is almost $1,500 a month. Working parents send more than twice as much to their kids each month as they put into their own retirement accounts.
And here’s the number that kept me up. Forty-three percent of parents who help their adult kids say it’s had a negative effect on their retirement savings.
You can’t help your kids if you run out of money yourself. And nobody will write you a check when that happens.
“Saying yes to everything doesn’t make you a good father. It makes you a bank with no closing time.”
02. THE THREE RULES WE SET
1
Help with a crisis. Not a habit. A broken transmission is a crisis. Short on rent for the third time this year is a habit. We help with the first. We don’t fund the second. If it keeps happening, the problem isn’t money. It’s spending. And sending more money won’t fix that.
2
Loans, not gifts, above $2,000. Anything under $2,000, we give. That’s our threshold. Above that, we put it in writing. A simple note with the amount, the date, and a rough plan to pay it back. Not because we need the money. Because the note changes how they think about asking.
3
One conversation a year about the big picture. Every January, I sit down with each of my kids and talk about money. Not their money. Mine. I tell them what we have, what we’ve set aside for them, and what we need to keep. They know the number now. They stopped asking for things that eat into it.
03. WHAT I STOPPED DOING
▸ I stopped saying yes on the phone. My new rule: “Let me think about it and call you back tomorrow.” Half the time, they figure it out before I call back. The urgency was never as real as it sounded.
▸ I stopped hiding it from my wife. Every dollar that goes to the kids now comes from a decision we make together. No more quiet checks. No more “I’ll tell her later.” That alone changed the pattern.
▸ I stopped feeling guilty. My kids are grown. They’re smart. They can handle a car payment and a rent check. Letting them handle it isn’t cruel. It’s how they learn. I didn’t have anyone writing me checks when I was their age. I figured it out. They will too.
04. WHAT I WOULD NOT DO
Q. Are you saying you won’t help us anymore?
A. He asked this the first time I said no. I told him: “I’ll always help you. But help doesn’t always mean money. Sometimes it means teaching you how to handle it yourself. And sometimes it means saying no so you learn that you can.” He didn’t like it that day. He thanked me for it six months later.
05. WHAT CHANGED
My son fixed his own car. Found a cheaper mechanic. Paid for it over three months.
My daughter moved to a less expensive place. Didn’t ask for help with the deposit. She figured it out.
And the calls didn’t stop. They just changed. They call now to talk. Not to ask. The relationship got better the day the money stopped being the reason for the conversation.
My wife and I sat at the same kitchen table last month and looked at the numbers. For the first time in three years, we put more into our retirement than we sent to our kids.
That conversation she started wasn’t easy. But it was the best one we’ve had in a long time.
Love your kids. Help your kids. But draw the line before the help starts hurting you both.
— Walter
P.S. Have you had this conversation with your kids? Or are you avoiding it? Hit reply and tell me where you stand. This one hits close to home for a lot of us.
